Journal entry from December 25th, 2011:
I just Skyped with Dad and Michele, and grandma and papa. It was nice to see all of them and talk for a good half an hour with each of them. This has been a really good day so far, mostly in that I just feel good. I woke up around eight or nine after going to sleep around midnight last night and had my usual breakfast, watched an episode of Glee, did and intense workout – tobata pushups and squats and actually stretch before and after – that felt amazing. I love that feeling of accomplishment and badassness after a hard workout, especially in contrast to the dread I often feel before starting, knowing it’s going to hurt and suck. I had lunch and then laid out in the sun on the patio and tanned. That was so relaxing after the workout. Then I showered and Skyped with the family.
Yesterday was a much harder day. I had this cloud of loneliness and dread (about my financial and job situation) hanging over me all day. On top of missing my family on Christmas Eve when everyone around me was with their family celebrating, I was feeling scared about finding work and staying afloat until I get something secure.
I wrote a post in my blog and went onto a TEFL(Teaching English as a Foreign Language) job database and looked at postings. I applied for two. Just imagining working in a place like Greece or Turkey was exciting and lifted my spirits a little. Around 4pm I walked into La Magnolia and so many people were out in the streets. Kids were playing with their new toys, men were sitting around drinking beer and bullshitting, a man was stirring a giant pot of San Cocho (a traditional soup) with a giant wooden spoon over a wood fire, right on the street. Here people celebrate on Christmas Eve and mostly relax on Christmas day so they have a big meal, say prayers, sing songs and open presents on Christmas Eve.
I stopped at a place because the sign said “Todo 2,000” (Everything 2,000 COP). I thought I’d see what I could get for a little over a $1. They had burgers, salchipapas (French fries with little pieces of hot dog) and arepas con todo (corn cakes with toppings). When I started out on my walk my intention was to just get dessert but on the way there I started getting hungry so I went for the arepa, good in theory but the flavors were a little funky. It was topped with, in this order, salad, crunchy shoestring potatoes, salsa rosa (mayonnaise/ketchup mixture) more ketchup, a hamburger patty and some processed pre-sliced cheese. I ate it while watching Die Hard with a Vengeance on the TV in the restaurant. I contemplated telling the 15 year old boy that was working there, and catching bits of the movie between customers, that it was one of my favorite movies. Yeah, it’s true. I’m not ashamed of it.
From there I moved on to the postreria and made the wrong selection of desserts. I chose something that looked like flan but it was basically the very firm pudding/jello-like stuff that we would get with lunch at the cafeteria at EAFIT. It was not quite what I was craving and I was feeling a little funky from the loaded arepa. But it was sweet and I enjoyed sitting there taking slow bites and lazily sipping my café con leche. I think I got more out of sitting in that open air diner-like dessert shop with the bright lights and metal chairs and tables, watching so many people passing by in their Christmas joy, then I did eating the dessert. I couldn’t possibly feel alone. It was comforting.
I think I started to feel more emotional once I left. Walking around that neighborhood I got a lot of stares and catcalls and so as I was heading home those were starting to wear on me. I was also thinking about going home to an empty house and planning out who I was going to message on Facebook. I got a couple texts while I was out, one person saying there was nothing going on at the hostel where I have been hanging out and another person, a guy from CouchSurfing, saying that he was not coming to Medellin as planned but that I would see him in Santa Marta for New Year’s. Then as I was walking close to Av Las Vegas this guy came up to me on a bike and was talking to me in Spanish. I didn’t understand most of it. I honestly think he was completely harmless and was just trying to be friendly, but as soon as he came up to me, I thought about what K had said the another night about how if our friend, L., hadn’t stopped walking she might not have gotten mugged. I don’t agreed with what K. said but that was all I was thinking about when the guy on the bike was talking to me: just keep walking and don’t let him get too close to you. I just gave him a really worried look and kept saying, “No entiendo” (I don’t understand). After about a minute he said, “Hasta luego” (See you later) and rode off. I actually felt really bad because this was a situation where my gut was telling me, after the initial shock of him coming up to me on his bike, “This guy is harmless. He is just trying to talk to you.” But a survival instinct was telling me, “Mary, sometimes it is not worth it to go with your gut and err on the side of being trusting and open. You could be wrong and this could backfire and lead to something really bad, so it’s just not worth it.”
Then a few minutes later on Av Las Vegas, still a little shaken from the last exchange, I saw a guy rush by who I was certain was S. from the hostel. He didn’t recognize me. I was so close to yelling out his name but I froze and he was walking so fast that it was soon too late. That missed opportunity, even just for one-minute exchange, made me feel even lonelier. I was feeling so lonely but I was almost home. I barely held it together until I walked in the door and just let myself cry for a minute. As I cried, I didn’t really feel sadness or despair. I felt quite alright. It felt healthy and a natural and normal part of the choice I had made to move to a new country where I didn’t speak the language and I didn’t know anyone. It quickly became clear that I wasn’t going anywhere that night so I put on my PJs, crawled into bed, turned on the TV and flipped through channels. I spent the rest of the night (til just after midnight) watching pieces of movies and TV shows and snacking in bed. Once I accepted that I was going to be home alone for the evening, I actually really enjoyed it and was quite happy. I also got to listen to the neighbors celebrating on their patio next door. They had music playing and they were singing, talking, laughing. I think they read a prayer together out loud at one point. It was lovely to hear. 
chucknmary 